Wednesday, November 01, 2006


We're going to punch you in the face until you relax. If punching doesn't do the trick, we'll smack your kneecaps with lawn gnomes,on loan from the Smithsonian Museum of Award-Winning Yards. Since their heads might break off, we also have a genuine rack from the Spanish Inquisition waiting for you in the living room. Coffee and cake will be served to the audience watching you close your eyes and moan, trying to get in touch with your safe place. We'll make a videotape of your friends and family being told you were killed, then play it for you in a room with a too-small screen and seats covered in bubble gum. Some of them will not be all that sad. The gnomes who were damaged will be ground in a blender and we will serve them to you as a plaster smoothie, with some calming extracts while you luxuriate in a warm bath of sulfuric acid. Because we're so interested in you reducing your stress, we also have the current heavyweight champion of the world, who should be able to knock you into a blissful state of rigor mortis. In case that fails, and you continue to live, we have a convenient battlefield adjacent to our headquarters. We'll watch you on TV as you try to avoid the carpet bombing, a deep shag of shrapnel making you so lost in death not even God will find your relaxed, in pieces body.


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