Terrible News

Newspaper deliverers who bring terrible news have to endure whatever scandals, disasters, and emergencies their papers report. One man has to face journalists' questions about his illegal pet hamster ring and what, if anything, his suit made out of hundred dollar bills has to do with his kickbacks from the American Association for Hamster Milkers (AAHM). A woman has to save herself and an El Salvadoran family of ten from a 7.1 earthquake caused by the earth's teeth jamming against each other, trying to find something eat. Another woman orders the evacuation of the southern states because of a poisonous grit and ham epidemic, wiping out Waffle Houses across the region. When the deliverers quit and no applicants appear to take their jobs, the dailies stay wrapped on the loading docks. Tumbleweeds bounce through newsrooms, editors disappear in their own blue pencils. A giant globe tumbles from the Daily Planet building. J. Joan Jameson loses his temper for the last time and explodes. A herd of 20 feet-tall hamsters carrying a vat of grits stomps over a flock of politicians on the Capitol steps. No one hears or writes a thing.