Failure at all Costs

We would make sure we'd fail. We took every precaution against success that we could. Since the age of one we have sucked at everything -- spoke gibberish until we were 12, kept breastfeed until we were 18, wore a diaper till were 24, slept in a crib till we were 30. Our school report cards sparkled with iridescent Fs, minuses studding them like diamonds. Employers paid us to not work for them, closed their blinds when we looked in their factory windows. Significant others wished we were insignificant; insignificant errors turned into significant problems. Heaven wouldn't let us in its pearly gate, hiding its angels from view inside blackened clouds. Hell didn't need one more screw-up on its solid gold road, doing paving work. We were disappointed, after all this effort, to discover we'd succeeded. You might've heard of us, the object lessons, the morals of this story, the hypothetical example that proves to be obvious after all.