Friday, July 06, 2007


A picture won't do it this time. We need the real flesh, clothed in velvet, eating cheese on a cracker on top of the Empire State Building. We want saliva delivered to us by a clueless 14-year-old on his first exploratory kissing mission. A chicken with its head cut off reading the dictionary. Stomachs mouthing the words to the Fat Albert theme song with their belly buttons. Geniuses stymied in an experiment to cure baldness in chihuahuas. A dismal song performed by a down-and-out school marching band that was unable to raise enough money for its trip to the Rose Bowl Parade. A school bus exploding from the methane build-up from Jason and Dylan lighting farts in the back. All of this is required to do true justice to the filthy habit we can't stop -- existence. The doctors tell us we can't quit, and the advertising on TV makes it seem like so much fun.


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