Five Fifteen to Go

The basketball game has its own rules, different from all games of the past and those of the future. Fouls are punished with thrashings by an old-timey pirate wearing an eye patch. Three-pointers allow the scorer to run around the arena with a posse of adoring fans. Rebounds add another hundred dollars to the honor students' scholarships, while depriving the other school of Bunsen burners and other laboratory equipment. The winners must answer calls from the president, who talks about what great touchdowns they ran back and asks advice about which wars they'd prefer, which terrorist warning would make them most afraid. The losers watch their moms and dads deny their paternity, while a guillotine is lowered down by ropes for the coach, who is relieved to finally get this over with; the newspapers had been storming at him for days, the administration telling them to drink hemlock, kiss babies, eat cake.